A few weeks ago I was in the Guitar Center in Hollywood, jamming out on a Martin S-O Ukulele, when these two axehead asshats walked by, regarding me with mocking derision. One of them said to me in a high-pitched squeal, pinkies pointed, “Rock out, old man” while his friend laughed…

But the laughter only lingered for a moment…

For I, Johnny Diggz, responded to his jibe by commencing the sweetest two-handed tapping flourish either of these man-children had ever seen, even in their dreams. They were speechless, mouths swung open like carp.  When I finished I simply threw the Uke to the nearest sales rep and walked out the door, feeling triumphant.

Just kidding; Here’s what ACTUALLY happened:

I smashed the Martin S-O Uke over the first dude’s head, knocking him unconscious, and with a two-fisted downward motion I thrust the remaining jagged, solid-mahogany neck and dovetail joint deep into the eye socket of his laughing friend, screaming, “UKES ROCK!”

Now I am in prison, awaiting trial.   At least I have my principles.